Wednesday, February 5, 2020

October 13th 2015

            I woke up with a text from Maddox. A simple Good morning, what class do you have today?

            I am pretty sure I smiled like an idiot. Then I realized what I was doing and I was glad that I was in my room by myself because I know Nicole would have given me shit for that look.

            I have algebra first thing in the morning; kill me. Then music theory after. – I despise math. It just isn’t something I am ever going to be good at.

            That’s rough.

            We continued talking all morning, it was the first time I had texted during a class. I should have know that he was going to be a poor influence on me at that moment, but I was willing to overlook it. At the end of the class we were assigned our homework, a video online and then something else through the school portal. If I would have been paying more attention I could have told you what exactly that thing was, but all I really knew was that I needed Wi-Fi. Something that I currently did not have at home.

            What are your classes like today?

            Should be done by three. He responded quickly.

            Can I come and steal your Wi-Fi? I really don’t feel like sitting on campus and attempting to do math.

            Sure, 154 Sycamore Lane. And I am not bad at math if you need help.

            I later learned that when he said not bad at math it was an understatement. This kid was brilliant with numbers, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

 

            I showed up at his place around three thirty. The house wasn’t even really in a neighborhood. Just a long street about five miles off campus that was filled with homes built about twenty feet apart from each other. I parked my car in the street in front of the house.

The pale blue paint on the two story home desperately needed to be touched up. I followed the pathway to the house from the sidewalk.  Weeds growing up through the cracks, it matched the unkempt front yard. I took slow steps up the wooden stairs holding the once white banister with my right hand and the strap of my backpack with my left. The patio, once also painted white, looked like it wrapped around the whole house. A flowerpot sat in the corner to my right. Rather than a flower cigarette butts filled it spilling out along with most of the ground around it. A tattered blue flag sat in the corner on the other side of the patio. Large gold Greek letters were written on it. ΑΦΩ. I rolled my eyes, of course he is in a fraternity. That makes perfect since.

I knocked on the door. The moment waiting for him to open it was excruciating. I doubted the fact that this was his house. I questioned if he gave me the wrong address, if he actually even wanted me to come over. I had to tell my brain to stop, slow down, convince my anxiety that everything was all right.

            Maddox opened the door and smiled, “Hey.”

            “Hi.”

            “Come on in. The place is kinda a wreck. I gave up on trying to keep it clean on like the third day that I was here.”

            I followed Maddox inside. A staircase slightly to your right when you walk inside with stained tan carpet lead to the second story. Hardwood covered the ground through out the rest of the first level. The doorway opened up to the living room. A large black leather couch was pushed against the wall made by the stairs. A faded green couch, clearly made in the seventies, with pink flowers covering the entire thing sat directly to the right of the other couch. There was an opening on the back wall parallel to me that looked like it lead to the kitchen. A brown lazy boy angled towards the four televisions across from the couches sat on the other side of the opening. It was pulled up just far enough from the wall for a person to walk behind it.

Directly on my left against the wall that ran from the front door was lined with bookshelves. One of the three was actually holding books. One held dozens of records and had been modified for a record player to fit between the shelves. And the third one had action figures, stacks Pokémon cards, beer cans and coke bottles, pretty much just a hodge podge of shit that the guys have collected and didn’t have anywhere else to put.

I walked into the living room, cautiously sat down on the leather couch, and pulled my laptop out of my bag. Maddox handed me a note pad with what looked like a four year olds writing on it. Scribbled at the top WIFI Code. I took the note pad from him, deciphered the writing and hooked my computer into the Wi-Fi.

“How many guys live here?” I handed him the note pad back.

“Five of us now, I think. Including me.” He threw the notepad on the coffee table and practically fell in to the couch next to me, “It’s not too bad. They’re kinda all slobs so that sucks but, I’m not here much anyways.”

“No? Where are you then?”

“Across the street, my buddy Kyler lives there with his girlfriend Bryn. They’ll be home in a bit if you want to meet them. I am sure Bryn would love to have a girl around.”

“Yeah, I don’t have any plans.”

 

Side note:

Kyler and Bryn’s house was directly across the street from Maddox’s. Kyler and Maddox became friends when one day Kyler walked out for a smoke, realized his girlfriend Bryn got rid of the rest of his pack and noticed Maddox smoking on his porch across the way. That one bummed cigarette grew into a friendship between the two. Bryn had recently moved in with him.

 

Anyways…

            The rest of the day consisted of Maddox trying to get me to understand basic algebra, multiple cigarette breaks and the consumption of an entire six pack of beer, I had one, a beer not a cigarette.

 

            My homework was done and we had been playing an old Pokémon video game for the past hour. Around six we stepped outside for another cigarette break. I feel like I need to specify, I was not smoking any of these times, Maddox was.

He noticed the car in the driveway across the street and started walking down the stairs. “You coming?” He turned around, the smoke from the freshly lit cigarette floated up from between his fingers as he took another drag.

            “Yeah.” I followed him down the steps and across the street. For the first time I took note of the houses appearance. A small one story house, brown shingles covering the roof meeting with worn down red paint on the side paneling. The front door was solid white at one point but the paint was now cracked and chipped exposing the dark wood underneath. A small porch jutted out from the front of the house. Three steps up and about five feet of decking to the front door. It was just big enough to hold a small wooden bench against the house. A similar flowerpot sat on their front porch, this one also filled to the brim with cigarette butts.

            Maddox pushed the lit end of his cigarette against the side of the house, he looked to make sure the flame was out and then stuck the remaining half behind his ear. “Ky!” He pulled back the screen door and turned the knob on the front door. It opened. He walked inside. I waited on the porch not yet knowing if it was a good idea to walk into someone’s house that I hadn’t met yet. Maddox popped his head out the door, “You coming?”

            “I mean, I don’t know them.”

            “And?”

            I shrugged as if it should be obvious.

            “You’re with me, just come on. Don’t be weird.”

            “I’m not weird.” I said more to myself than him as I followed him in through the door.

            The inside of the home was similar to the outside. Light carpet with splotches of spilled something were spread across the whole floor. To my right was a large open room with a TV against the wall sitting on top of a plastic bin, directly across from it was an extremely worn leather sofa. I am not sure I should even call it leather there was much more stuffing exposed than leather. It would hold maybe four people but I am not sure who would actually want to sit on it. To my left was a bathroom and another door that was closed, I assumed the bedroom. Maddox walked ahead. I followed him into the kitchen. Appliances that were older than me sat pushed back into the chipped white cupboards.

            Kyler was knelt down in front of the open refrigerator, “Did you want a beer?” he said without turning around. Dirty blonde hair stuck out from underneath a black backwards hat that read Question Authority in white cursive.

            “Of course.” He turned to me, “Alice?”

            “Um, no I am fine.”

            Kyler stood and shut the fridge with his foot. In he held two beers by the necks of the bottles in one hand and a slice of pizza in the other. He was short for a guy, maybe like five six. Deep blue eyes set behind thick black-rimmed glasses. His nose was slightly irregular, like it had been broken and not reset properly. Light freckles dusted over his noes and cheeks. He was attractive, quirky but attractive.

            “Sup, I’m Kyler, or Ky. Whatever you prefer.” He stuck the pizza in his mouth and extended his hand.

            I shook his hand, “Alice.”

            “Where is Bryn?” Maddox took one of the beers from Ky.

            Ky set the other on the counter, pulled a lighter out of his pocket and popped the top off. He took the pizza from his mouth, “She picked up someone else’s shift. She should be here in like an hour. You hanging out?” He pointed to me, “We were gonna order some food when she gets home.”

            “Sure.” I shrugged.

            Ky reached into his pocket, “Dude. Have any smokes?”

            Maddox nodded, “This is like the third day you have bummed off me.”

            “Whose beer are you drinking?”

            “Fair.”

            Ky walked towards the front door, we both followed.

 

            Bryn came home about an hour later. She parked in the street, Ky walked down taking her bag for her. She was absolutely stunning.  Her shoulder length auburn hair was neat and straight. Her full lips glossed and rosy demanding attention only to be outdone by her hazel eyes. Her black leggings stuck tight to her hourglass curves promoted further by her white crop top with a loose plaid shirt draped over her shoulders. I wondered for a moment how a guy like Kyler landed a girl like her. And then I felt bad about thinking something like that.

I immediately found myself becoming self-conscious. I looked down at my own leggings, covered in dog hair, yeah Alice, that’s cute. My baggy long sleeved t-shirt was a size too big and did nothing for my figure. Honestly, I don’t know if I have a figure, unless flat counts as one. At least I put on make up. My curls were almost not a mess too, I reassured myself, I did wash my hair last night.

“Bryn, This is Alice.” Maddox pointed to me, “She is gonna get food with us tonight.”

“Hey,” She took my hand before I even extended it towards her, That sounds awesome I keep telling Maddox to bring me a female friend.” She giggled, “Glad to have you Alice. Don’t let him scare you away. He really isn’t that bad when you get to know him.” She said quietly as if to only tell me but the guys definitely heard.

“So,” She turned to address everyone, “We ordering in or we going out? I vote going out.”  She continued without anyone getting to share their opinion. “Let’s go to that place up the road, isn’t it trivia night?”

“That’s Thrusday.” Maddox finished his beer.

“What is today?”

“It’s Tuesday.”

“Damn, we should go anyways. Alice have you been, it’s called Roonies right?” She turned to Kyler.

“Rookies.” He answered.

“Yeah, Rookies.”

“I mean, I am good with anything really.” I shrugged knowing full and well how picky of an eater I am. I just didn’t want to seem ridiculous in front of them.

“I don’t really want to go to Rookies tonight, we’re gonna eat there in two days, what if-.”      

“If you suggest Madcap I am going to punch you.” Bryn cut Maddox off.

“What is Madcap?”

“It’s this awesome brewery in the city. They have the best beer.”

“What Maddox is leaving out is that their food is awful.”  Bryn laughed.

“Yeah but, beer is just like liquid bread.” Ky added.

Bryn turned to me, “What do you think about sushi?”

“I love sushi.”

“Babe, that’s expensive.” Ky cut in, “What about La Mesa?”

“I could go for Mexican food right now.” Maddox shrugged.

“Wait, this place is called La Mesa? Like, the table?”

“Yeah, their name isn’t really creative but their food is really good.” Maddox started to walk back towards his house.

“Where are you going?” I called towards him.

“Wallet. Unless you’re buying.” He turned around, half his mouth lifted to a smile.

“Nah, I think I'm good.”

“All right.” He shrugged and continued walking.

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

October 12th 2015

              I got up early in the morning and fixed the drama that the people who were supposed to be my friends had started with Nicole. We were fine in like five minutes. Thank goodness, because I can’t handle confrontation. 

I messaged Maddox - Hey, I thought I would let you know that my roommate and I worked it out. We're good. Cause I know you were stressin about it for me.

He responded quickly again. - Ayyy that's good! I knew it was going to be fine.

I typed quickly - I didn't. Lol but fuck everyone else. I'm not about to deal with the people who decided to cause drama any more. Can I declare you, Justin, and Andrew and I just be besties till y'all graduate? – He graduated in a month and was planning on leaving town. Information I found out the night prior.

I'm definitely down for that.

Sweet because I kind of already decided that it was going to be a thing.

Hah I figured.

Text me my data limit is yelling at me. I didn’t forget to pay the Wi-Fi bill. We were in the middle of a cycle change. Stuff was just messed up with it.

Hahaha gotchuuu

Thanks booAnd that’s how I got his number.

            We texted until I fell asleep that evening. The conversation consisted of randomness and things that are completely insignificant at this point

Monday, February 3, 2020

October 11th 2015

To say I was nervous was pretty much an understatement. I walked up to Higher Ends in the required all black apparel. I was instructed to go around to the left side of the building, in through the fence, then through the door at the loading dock. Good God for some reason I could not figure out where I was to go. After a good ten minutes of walking around looking like an idiot I asked for help and someone very nice got me to where I needed to be. I was early; even with getting lost I was there a good twenty minutes before call time. Everyone else was already there though. This did nothing but make me more nervous. I don’t recall much of what happened next. I just remember that somehow, all of us got outside to the loading dock.

I remember turning around and seeing him. His tall slender figure, he had to be about six foot three from the ground. Dirty blonde hair poked out from his backwards Beartooth snapback that looked like it desperately needed to be washed. His long face with light brown un kept l stubble covering his cheeks and chin. And his eyes, those eyes are what killed me. Light green with an emerald ring around the irises. The kind of eyes that could look straight past you and into your mind. The kind of eyes that make you want to sit and look into for hours.  He looked at me and smiled. I smiled back. His teeth were perfect. Straight and white as hell.

From there we loaded the band’s shit inside, set it up and were ushered back out to the loading dock while they did sound check. I sat on the ground with my feet hanging over the side by where the truck pulled in. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. My thoughts immediately changed, instantly he became more unattractive. I was disappointed to say the least. He cupped his hand sheltering the flame from the wind and took one long drag of his cigarette, “I’m Maddox.” He exhaled while speaking making his voice an octave lower than I imagined it being.

“Alice.”

He nodded and took another drag on his cigarette. Exhaled then spoke, “This your first intern day here?”

I nodded.

“Mine too.”

“Did you get lost on your way back here? Or was that just a me thing?”

“No,” He shook his head, “I couldn’t find the gate either. I think they probably make it hard to find on purpose.”

“Yeah. That makes since.”

One of the other boys walked out from the large garage like door, “They said they need all of us.”

Maddox dropped his cigarette and stepped on the remaining bit of it. I stood and followed him inside. 

 

Later that night we sat outside again. I received a text from my roommate. Basically, everyone that I was at the party with the night prior decided to tell her a bunch of lies and try to start drama between us, which they did. I exhaled loudly and began to tell him what was going on. It was more of a rant than me wanting to tell him. I was frustrated and he was close. I did want to talk to him, but not necessarily about this. He offered up some comforting That sucks and I’m sorry dude. Not much else came of it though.

 

By the end of the gig we had added each other on Facebook. We said the standard goodbyes and parted ways for the evening.

I should have just left it at that. Should have just kept him as some guy I met one day interning.

Should have denied his friend request.

Should have walked away.

I started the conversation over Facebook to Maddox that night. I wanted to talk to him.

 

            I can’t find Andrew. - Another boy I interned with the day before

            His last name is Calloway. - Maddox replied with in seconds.

            Gracias!I think I am cute with my Spanish.

            De Nada! -  He was cute too though.

 

Sunday, February 2, 2020

October 10th 2015

     Honestly the party wasn’t significant, it was what happened after. I was too drunk to drive home, so I called my friend who had lived one apartment complex over to see if I could hang out with him till I was sober. He of course said sure and told me that he was actually at a buddy’s place and that he was about to leave.

I met him outside in an entirely too intoxicated state. He sat on the curb his custom long board rolling back and forth under his feet. He kicked it over to me as I walked into the road. I nearly fell over as I stopped it with my foot.

He laughed.

“Are you trying to get me to bust my ass?”

“I am never opposed to free entertainment.”  He shot me a smile. I liked his smile. I had known him for years. His smile always found a permeate place in my heart. Warm and familiar, “Come on, let’s get you sober.”

“Yes. I have to be up entirely too early for the amount that I have drank tonight.”

“Oh yeah, what for?”

“I am interning for the first time at (For legal reasons I don’t think I can say the name of this place but it was a concert venue. A nice one. We shall call it Higher Ends.) tomorrow morning at nine.”

He looked at his watch and laughed, “Nah, you’ve got a solid six hours of sleep if you’re sober with in half an hour.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Don’t worry, you aren’t going to be the only one there with lack of sleep and a hangover. My buddies Maddox, Justin, and Andrew are going to be there tomorrow too. I was just with em. Maddox is hammered but the other two aren’t as bad. Still, they’re all screwed for tomorrow.”

 

That was it. The first time I heard his name. If only I could have seen what was coming after this. What that name would mean to me in the next few months, year, year and a half. I would have run. Called in sick and never regretted it. Things don’t work like that though. Back to that next morning.

 



Saturday, February 1, 2020

Prologue

    I don’t know why I am writing this. Actually, that’s a lie. I do know why I am writing this. I do that a lot. Lie. It’s part of the problem; we’ll get to that though.
    I read somewhere that writing can sometimes be used as a coping method, that a good way to get things off of your chest and out of your head is to get them down on paper. I thought I would give it a shot. What could it hurt, right?
    This is a story about how I fell in love with the one person I knew I shouldn’t. How I had every opportunity to change what happened but didn’t. The places don’t matter. The people are real but the names are fake and in the end we don’t live happily ever after. This is the story of how I let him destroy me.
    So if that hasn’t scared you off and you still want to keep reading, I guess I should introduce you to the story and by extension, me.

    My name is Alice. I work as a lighting technician. Yeah, I know most of you won’t know what that means. Basically if you have ever been to a concert, all of that cool lighting stuff, I make it fly in the air and work. I fell into this job. Happiest accident I have ever been a part of. I went back to college beginning of September 2015 to start a career in audio. I know I just said I did lights, it will all make since though, I promise, but that’s not what this is about. This is about him and I.
    There are times that I think about more often than others. Maybe I shouldn’t say times. Moments. I guess that’s the same thing. “Times” seems like too long of a word to describe it though. I know time can rank from a second to a year to an eternity but nothing with him seemed to ever last that long. Time is constant, but moments, moments like those, those are rare.
    I feel pathetic. I don’t even know where to really begin here though to explain why I feel this way. I guess we should start with when we met. It was the day after a party. My first day interning at a new gig. I was hung-over. Honestly, everyone was hung-over though. The house crew, the tour crew, the band, and the interns. All of us, victims of something that we could have avoided but didn’t have the thoughts to stop drinking at a decent hour, or at least switch to water. Actually, let me start off by telling you about that night before, about that party.